I remember my first session with a therapist many years ago. I went along with a brief summary of my life story and what I thought was wrong with me, and I asked “Do you think you can help me?”

What I really wanted to know was if I could be fixed, as I felt so deeply broken that I just didn't know if it might be possible.

Some time later, I voiced a realisation and some fears that went along with it: “I'm afraid that if I work through all this stuff, I won't know who I am. What if there isn't anybody underneath all this? Who am I, if I'm not all of these things that I think are wrong with me and my life history?”

I held a deep belief that, somehow, the negative things from my past and the parts of myself that I didn't like would somehow dissolve and cease to exist.

I remember that years later, a good friend said to me, “You do realise that this stuff doesn't actually go anywhere, right?” I was a bit puzzled.

I didn't know what my friend meant and, seeing my confused expression, my friend explained a little further:

“Our histories and experiences don't disappear. We don't get rid of them. We learn to live with them and we integrate them.”

I hadn't consciously realised until that moment that I held a deep belief that somehow, through therapy and personal development, the negative things from my past and the parts of myself that I didn't like that I felt resulted from them, would somehow dissolve and cease to exist.

Of course, that seems completely illogical and irrational now! We can't change the past, after all.

Change begins in the present moment, because that's where we have a choice.

So what do we do with this stuff? As I've just said, we can't change what's happened in the past - and we have limited control over what will happen in the future.

The only moment we really have is this one, right here and now.

We are conditioned by the past but we are not just machines responding to input.

That's the beauty of being human: the possibility of and capacity for change. That change begins in the present moment, because that's where we have a choice.

So I've just said that we're not simply machines that are responding to input, but sometimes we do live our lives like that.

We live in a kind of autopilot, which can lead us to carry out habitual responses or reactions.

In order to open up choice, we need to develop awareness of what's going on in order to create space to make decisions and choices, to allow creativity to emerge, rather than following habitual patterns and reactions.

Talking about things to somebody who's really listening can help to become more aware of things that might have been hidden from conscious awareness.

This is one of the things that can happen in therapy. It's not the only thing that can help with this, and it's not the only thing that therapy can be helpful for.

Some clients and students have asked me what the purpose is in “just talking about things”.

I don't have a simple and straightforward answer to that, because therapy is very individual, as there are many things that one might talk about.

Talking about things to someone who's really listening – with curiosity, interest, and without judgement – helps you become more aware of things hidden from conscious awareness.

It helps you notice patterns, thoughts, feelings, views, and beliefs that were influencing you without you knowing it.

The relief of self-discovery and coming into a deeper relationship with oneself

As we become aware of these thoughts, patterns, feelings, and beliefs, we start noticing them and their impact on us.

We shift from reacting to things we're not aware of, to choosing how we respond to things we're aware of. This process can be painful at times, but I've found it can also be liberating on several levels.

We might experience relief from sharing hidden aspects of ourselves, relief from self-discovery and deepening our relationship with ourselves, and relief from breaking free from patterns that kept us stuck – and making creative choices, even if they feel a bit scary at first.

So, we can't change the past, but we can work with the present moment, which our past has shaped.

However, “just talking about stuff” in the context of a safe therapeutic relationship can help us to develop awareness of some of the patterns contributed to by those past conditions.

It can also help to share and discover parts of ourselves that feel they may have been some uncertainty around, some shame, fear of rejection, or lack of acceptance.

In other words, we can come into a deeper relationship with ourselves through in sharing and being witnessed by another.

You can read more about what to expect in your first therapy session with me here.

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